I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
