everyone is single if you try hard enough
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
