my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
