I want to make a zoo with you.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
