oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
time to smoke my breakfast
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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