doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
