no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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