I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I think I just sharted jello shots
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