my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
