I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
