Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
