I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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