Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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