if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I wish you could order shots online.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
