do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
