upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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