I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think people are normalizing furries
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
