u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
