just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
