Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
...so i touched it.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
