btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
