It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
