I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
