it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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