Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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