Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
What drink are we having for lunch?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
