I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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