i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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