I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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