your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
