i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
