I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
