i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
