my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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