I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
