I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
