she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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