Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
