I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
