So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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