I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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