I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
