You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
