u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
