Screwed.edu
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
