even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
