a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
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I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
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No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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