I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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