Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
