I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
