He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
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