It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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