Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
