I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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