Got a toothbrush?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
