she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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