Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
