Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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