I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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